Day 4

Your assignment today (and every day forward if you choose) is to do at least one nice thing for someone else. It can be nothing bigger than offering a smile and a hand to an elderly woman in the grocery store or not honking at the guy who cuts you off in traffic. You have no idea of the ripple effect you set in motion when you scatter small acts of kindness around. They change the people you touch, and they change you. Two rules when completing this assignment: 1) you have to be sincere, and 2) you must not expect a single thing in return.

I don’t think I really did this successfully today. I will attempt again tomorrow as well as do the next activity. Something very small that I did was stop and let a woman cross the street when I had the right-of-way. I know that if I were outside in the cold, I would want to walk somewhere as fast as possible.

I have been thinking about OM today quite a bit and have been trying to ignore it. A big mixture of happy thoughts and sad thoughts and some longing thoughts. I am feeling a little bit lonely, but there are things that I can do to occupy my time and make me feel happy. Reading is one of those things. I feel like I have not been reading nearly as much as I would like to and I want to get into it a lot more.

I can’t wait for Michael to get here. I could use some physical comfort..

GRE Words of the Day

Ascetic – practicing self-denial; abstinent
Many people attempt to be ascetic during the time of Lent in order to build a better connection with God.

Jingoism – fanatical patriotism
Americans tend to suffer from Jingoism, and think America can do no wrong.

Eschew – avoid and stay away from deliberately; stay clear of
While playing Slender, I have to move through the forest very carefully to eschew Slender Man.

Song of the Day

Empty Bed by Gemini Club

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Day 3

Your assignment today is to look at some of your dreams. Pick one. What can you do to boldly go in the direction of that dream? Is there a clear and distinct move you can make today that will start to hurl you toward that goal? Would it really be so scary? What first step can you take in faith? The results may be magical.

The dream that I want to focus on today is ameliorating my social anxiety. (See that? I used another GRE word, hopefully correctly). What can I do to achieve this?

  • First of all, I can work on my social anxiety in a situation in which I am not directly interacting with people, but is still causes me distress: driving. I can try some breathing exercises during situations where I’d normally be tense and have calm music on in the car. I can also try driving in areas that I am not familiar in to gain practice and improve my self-efficiency with the task.
  • I will ask my mom to send me a list of doctors and therapists in the area that I can go to. Until then, I can talk to a listener online at 7cupsoftea.com. It’s something that I have been wanting to do, but have been nervous about.
  • I can apply to more part-time jobs. I can talk and ask questions at supervision this week and maybe start talking to someone there and get to know them.
  • I can talk to Sarah or Chad and come out of my isolation. I could also try reaching out to Amy and Brittany.

GRE Words of the Day

Guile – sly or cunning intelligence; deceit
Although Walter White did not have physical strength, he used his impressive guile to make his way to the top of the drug trade.

Immutable – unable to be changed
Although they are looked upon with great contempt, many people believe that murderers and other criminals are not totally immutable.

Castigate – to reprimand harshly
After the boy broke his mother’s favorite lamp, she castigated him and sent him to his room for the rest of the day.

Weekly goals:

  • Apply to part-time jobs
  • Catch up on The Walking Dead
  • Catch up on Once Upon A Time
  • Start waking up by 9:00 am
  • Rearrange my rooms
  • Play Outbreak: Undead with Michael
  • Watch Michael play Persona 3
  • Read Homestuck
  • Finish Wayward
  • Get Thanksgiving crafts
  • Talk to Sarah

Day 2

Today, your assignment is to observe your choices. Look at every decision you make, from the food you eat to the time you spend on various tasks, to the people you choose to hang out with. Are you making choices that limit you or choices that nurture you?

I chose to sleep in until almost 2:00pm – Limitation

I chose to talk to Michael – Nurture

Made myself a cup of tea – Makes me happy 🙂 -Nurture

Checked Tumblr, Reddit, Feedly, Weekend reads -Nurture, but can be limiting when I’m not flexible with it

Talked to my dad -Nuture

Played The Sims -Nurture

Made a movie list with Michael -Nurture

I chose to change my relationship status on Facebook -Nurture

I chose to delete/block Peter on Facebook and Skype -Nurture

I chose to write in this journal -Nurture, I suppose, though it’s putting me in a worse mood than I was previously

I chose not to catch up on Once Upon A Time -WTHK?

I chose not to watch The Walking Dead -WTHK?

I really felt apathetic about today’s task. It isn’t making me feel good at all, and I can’t even come up with any real good choices to talk about that will enhance my life, except perhaps choosing to wake up earlier in the morning from now on. Other than that, I feel like today’s journal is pointless and stupid and it’s making me feel anxious rather than optimistic about my future. When you think about it, every choice limits you. And you never really know what its effect is going to be until some time down the road. I just am not feeling good about this assignment.

Before this, I was actually feeling pretty good, though. I am enjoying talking to Michael and doing things together. I really would like to read more of Wayward tonight and take a hot bubble bath (especially after this awful entry).

I suppose both of those choices (reading and the bubble bath) are nurturing – I guess. But who really knows, right?

GRE Words of the Day

Ephemeral – lasting a very short while
When you look at all of history, the Roman Republic was quite ephemeral, despite its success at the time.

Eminent – standing above others in quality or position
The eminent army of Rome was able to conquer many civilizations.

Venality – the condition of being susceptible to bribes or corruptions
Despite claiming to be a republic, the venality of the Roman politicians did not favor the majority of Rome’s citizens.

Day 1

GRE words of the Day

Culpability – a state of guilt
The culpability I have been experiencing from the pain I put Michael through is very strong.

Auspicious – favorable; the opposite of sinister
After the priest came to the house to cleanse it of evil spirits, the family’s living conditions have been auspicious.

Amenable – easily persuaded
After working with many customers who demurred his offers, the care salesman was pleased to have an amenable young man walk in.

Your assignment is to get a notebook. You can go to a bookstore and pick out a fancy journal or find a quirky spiral notebook at your local drug store. It can be silly or pretty or bold or non-descript. The only requirement is that you take it with you wherever you go. Keep that notebook with you for at least a week and write down your dreams whenever they pop into your head. It doesn’t matter if they are impossible. Don’t judge them. Just write them down. Have faith. Take that first step.

My dreams:

  • Get rid of my social anxiety
  • Get into educational psychology/special education program (graduate school)
  • Have a loving, positive relationship with Michael
  • Rent an apartment in NYC
  • Buy a house by a forest
  • Work as a BSC or learning specialist
  • Become a college professor
  • Open up a school
  • Lease a Jeep Wrangler
  • Travel to Europe
  • Go on an African safari
  • Get a puppy or kitty
  • Do wildlife rehabilitation
  • Improve my vocabulary
  • Learn a new language
  • Learn how to play the violin
  • Improve my painting skills
  • Do new things, explore the world

At times during my job I wonder if I’m capable of doing this. I kind of stopped myself from that kind of thinking today by telling myself I have two options: giving up, or improving. I want to choose improving. Today was a bit of a rough day with my client, so I’m feeling slightly defeated, despite doing many things correctly. But, like I told my client’s mother, today was still a success because we discovered some triggers we hadn’t seen before. Just a little side thought: purposely trying to make a little kid upset kind of sucks. That’s about all I have to say today for my journal.

11/12/2014

Currently listening to The Endless River by Pink Floyd

GRE words of the day

Demur – to object or show reluctance
The care salesman was becoming frustrated when the customer demurred his offers on a vehicle.

Recondite – difficult to penetrate; incomprehensible
Although I studied a great deal for my physics class in college, the subject still seems recondite to me.

Impertinent – being disrespectful; improperly bold or forward
The impertinent student argued with her teacher after he gave her detention.
I am experiencing both ups and downs today. I am happy to say that I am attached to Michael – mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am missing him now that we are apart, and I also miss him when we can’t talk for one reason or another. Right now he’s at a friend’s house, and I can’t wait for him to be back. I am glad that I feel this again, but it worries me, because I have thought before that perhaps we spend too much time together.

I have also been feeling a bit anxious today. Possibly about my job, wondering if I am capable of doing this. It is taking a lot of work to be stern and build up my confidence. I really hope I can get the hang of it. I also worry that I’m not doing what I should be doing right now. Should I move back in with Michael? While I like gaining experience, it can sometimes feel pointless if it means not being with him. I am having a hard time finding a balance between too much scheduling, and not enough scheduling, as well. I want to make sure I’m doing the activities I put on my to-do lists, but at the same time, I want to be flexible and not worry if they don’t happen. I can’t tell what makes me happy.