Things have been feeling sad today. It doesn’t really matter much what I’m doing or what I’m thinking about; I can’t shake bad emotions. I’m feeling unusually sensitive and just about cried over Doctor Who. 

I am being reminded of loss, whether due to saying goodbye or by death and it is consuming me right now. I try to think positively like I usually do, but it’s not doing much for me currently. It’s hard to feel like life is worth it, even though that’s what I know I truly believe. I do believe that the world is beautiful and meaningful and that it is better to experience it than be nothing. But certain aspects of life can be very cruel.

I think about my own loss, and then I think about everyone else’s loss. It adds pain to my heart, but at the same time it helps relieve some more of the very personal pain, perhaps to the point of ignoring it. But it’s never really gone…

I don’t know how much of life as a normal person I can take. At times I want just a pleasant, secure life, but then I think of what I am really missing and it makes me depressed. I want to experience the most that the world has to offer. 

And at times like these I can’t help but think about the stupid things that many people (sometimes including myself) worry about, and I get disgusted and angry. And I sometimes get very torn about the idea of people reaching their potential and having the ideal life, because, well… What about everyone else? Should anyone be given an ideal life when many have horrible lives, or even in some cases have their very lives taken from them? I just don’t know. How much should I be striving for in life, and is that fair and morally okay? Can I be okay with knowing I might have a very good life while also knowing that many have far from it? Can it even still be considered a good life at all? It makes me upset to think about how subjective life and the world really can be. 

Despite all the cruelty in the world, I believe I will still try to love my life and find joy. I will continue to not judge others and to try to help and give comfort when I can. I will try to reach out more and not isolate myself so much. I will try to find peace in my mistakes as well as things I have no control over. Overall, I think life is still an amazing achievement…