Improving My Health 

  • Wake up early
  • Brush teeth/use gum tool
  • Whiten teeth
  • Exfoliate 
  • Moisturize
  • Cardio daily 
  • Push-ups, Sit-ups daily 
  • Walking with Michael 
  • Relax/breathing techniques 
  • Learn something new 
  • Go do something (Se)
  • Write about my feelings and goals and passions 
  • Stay in contact with friends/family 
  • Eat & cook healthily 
  • Keep house clean
  • Be updated with current events
  • Learn new vocabulary words 
  • Practice Duolingo 
  • Help someone 
  • Be friendly to strangers 
  • Keeps fingers from mouth 
  • Go to a therapist
  • Go to a doctor 
  • Go to a dentist 
  • Reach out to professors 
  • Volunteer 
  • Practice driving 
  • Take Vitamin D & C, and green tea extract 
  • Enjoy a hobby 
  • Enjoy time with Michael 
  • ASMR

An inclination to hate

Every so often I come across something that makes me think about people and how maybe I am somewhat alone in my reactions to things. Most of the time I believe I am no different from others, but then I see something that reminds me that the majority of the people in the world do not have some of the strengths I do have. I like to think that people are capable of analyzing situations without resorting to negativity and hate, but apparently so many cannot. And this is starting to deeply trouble me tonight. 

Why do so many people feel the need to use words like ‘hate’ or call people horrible names?

Why is it that a person’s first reaction is to criticize and form such negative judgments about others?

It seems that people have a much, much easier time being able to hate someone than love them. And nobody realizes that hate gets them nowhere. It does not change things or improve anything. While it might be difficult to love, understand, and forgive, it is a much more powerful tool to make changes in society that you want to see happen. 

Some people comaplain about people, get offended, and attack them, but I wish they would realize this has zero effect in the world other than just creating more hate and hostility. If people really cared about the things that are triggering hurtful reactions, they would try to calmly think about it and see what they could really do to make a difference. Not just hate others.

It’s not that I think these people who act like this are bad people, just perhaps misguided. They obviously care very much about the issues that trigger them, and I think passion for causes is a wonderful trait to have. I just hope that we can get away from passion turning into such negative emotional responses that hurt others. We need more understanding. And contrary to what so many seem to believe, understanding and analyzing is not the same thing as defending. Understanding, just like love, is such a powerful social tool. I could probably write a post dedicated specifically to that, but I’ll leave that for another time. 

Just for some context, the event that sparked this post was seeing individuals on tumblr attacking Meghan Trainer (I believe that’s how you spell her name) over her “Anorexia” article. But really, we could generalize this to any celebrity (or any non-celebrity, even) who says/does something that generates hate. I don’t really know anything about this woman, but this again seems to be a good example of a case where people are attacking a single individual rather than realizing it is a much bigger, societal problem. And that the problem needs to be addressed in better ways. 

03/15/2015

Things have been feeling sad today. It doesn’t really matter much what I’m doing or what I’m thinking about; I can’t shake bad emotions. I’m feeling unusually sensitive and just about cried over Doctor Who. 

I am being reminded of loss, whether due to saying goodbye or by death and it is consuming me right now. I try to think positively like I usually do, but it’s not doing much for me currently. It’s hard to feel like life is worth it, even though that’s what I know I truly believe. I do believe that the world is beautiful and meaningful and that it is better to experience it than be nothing. But certain aspects of life can be very cruel.

I think about my own loss, and then I think about everyone else’s loss. It adds pain to my heart, but at the same time it helps relieve some more of the very personal pain, perhaps to the point of ignoring it. But it’s never really gone…

I don’t know how much of life as a normal person I can take. At times I want just a pleasant, secure life, but then I think of what I am really missing and it makes me depressed. I want to experience the most that the world has to offer. 

And at times like these I can’t help but think about the stupid things that many people (sometimes including myself) worry about, and I get disgusted and angry. And I sometimes get very torn about the idea of people reaching their potential and having the ideal life, because, well… What about everyone else? Should anyone be given an ideal life when many have horrible lives, or even in some cases have their very lives taken from them? I just don’t know. How much should I be striving for in life, and is that fair and morally okay? Can I be okay with knowing I might have a very good life while also knowing that many have far from it? Can it even still be considered a good life at all? It makes me upset to think about how subjective life and the world really can be. 

Despite all the cruelty in the world, I believe I will still try to love my life and find joy. I will continue to not judge others and to try to help and give comfort when I can. I will try to reach out more and not isolate myself so much. I will try to find peace in my mistakes as well as things I have no control over. Overall, I think life is still an amazing achievement…

What does your town’s name begin with?
A.

Are you a seafood fan?
Yeah, a good bit of it. I like most fish, shrimp, crab, calamari.

Do you prefer dark, brown or white chocolate?
Dark.

Give me a random word in another language. Tell me what it means.
“Madrugada” means “dawn” in Spanish.

Which city would you like to visit- Rome, Tunis, London, Madrid or Paris?
Rome the most.

Have you got perfect vision?
Well, I don’t need glasses if that’s what you mean.

What song(s) do you put on repeat often?
I dunno, probably instrumentals that I can just relax to.

How many letters long is your last name?
Five.

Are you wearing shoes, just socks or nothing on your feet?
Socks.

Do you like the smell of a barbecue or bonfire?
Yeah.

How often do you drink soda?
When I go out to eat, basically.

What accent is the sexiest?
British?

Do you currently live in the same country you were born in?
Yep.

What’s your current mood?
Calm.

A romantic meal, a trip to a theme park, or go to a concert?
I never go to concerts, so definitely the concert.

How good is your memory?
Not very.

What was the last pill you took?
Two Tylenol.

Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them?
Yep.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone’s life?
I hope so.

Are you smiling in your default picture?
Yeah, generally I like to smile somewhat in pictures.

You think you can last in a relationship for six months?
I know I can. Six months is not a long time at all. lol

Do you like pickles?
Hate!!

Are you texting someone?
Not at the moment. I’m usually not, anyway.

Be honest, do you miss your ex?
Yeah, I don’t think it’s a secret.

Do you believe exes can be friends?
I do, depending on the nature of the relationship.

What was the last thing you looked up on Google?
I went searching for surveys!

Is your hair naturally straight?
Eh, it’s kind of wavy really.

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
Yes.

Do you remember the Pepsi Commercials with Britney Spears?
Somewhat.

Have you known your best friend a long time?
9ish years or so.

Have you kissed someone with the name beginning with J or B?
I have not. I love J names, though. That feels weird to say for this question.. like I’m going to go find a guy with a J name to go kiss. haha

What’s something you really want right now, be honest?
A neck pillow.

Would you be able to name everyone you kissed in 09?
Yes.

Who’s the last person who you went out to eat with?
Michael and his fam.

Is it awkward when you run into your exes?
Never happened, won’t happen.

How did you get one of your scars?
Running and falling on the sidewalk.

Do you wear makeup everyday?
I wear makeup like twice a year. lol

Were you single for your last birthday?
No.

When will you be in a relationship next?
I’m in one now.

Day 4

Your assignment today (and every day forward if you choose) is to do at least one nice thing for someone else. It can be nothing bigger than offering a smile and a hand to an elderly woman in the grocery store or not honking at the guy who cuts you off in traffic. You have no idea of the ripple effect you set in motion when you scatter small acts of kindness around. They change the people you touch, and they change you. Two rules when completing this assignment: 1) you have to be sincere, and 2) you must not expect a single thing in return.

I don’t think I really did this successfully today. I will attempt again tomorrow as well as do the next activity. Something very small that I did was stop and let a woman cross the street when I had the right-of-way. I know that if I were outside in the cold, I would want to walk somewhere as fast as possible.

I have been thinking about OM today quite a bit and have been trying to ignore it. A big mixture of happy thoughts and sad thoughts and some longing thoughts. I am feeling a little bit lonely, but there are things that I can do to occupy my time and make me feel happy. Reading is one of those things. I feel like I have not been reading nearly as much as I would like to and I want to get into it a lot more.

I can’t wait for Michael to get here. I could use some physical comfort..

GRE Words of the Day

Ascetic – practicing self-denial; abstinent
Many people attempt to be ascetic during the time of Lent in order to build a better connection with God.

Jingoism – fanatical patriotism
Americans tend to suffer from Jingoism, and think America can do no wrong.

Eschew – avoid and stay away from deliberately; stay clear of
While playing Slender, I have to move through the forest very carefully to eschew Slender Man.

Song of the Day

Empty Bed by Gemini Club

Day 3

Your assignment today is to look at some of your dreams. Pick one. What can you do to boldly go in the direction of that dream? Is there a clear and distinct move you can make today that will start to hurl you toward that goal? Would it really be so scary? What first step can you take in faith? The results may be magical.

The dream that I want to focus on today is ameliorating my social anxiety. (See that? I used another GRE word, hopefully correctly). What can I do to achieve this?

  • First of all, I can work on my social anxiety in a situation in which I am not directly interacting with people, but is still causes me distress: driving. I can try some breathing exercises during situations where I’d normally be tense and have calm music on in the car. I can also try driving in areas that I am not familiar in to gain practice and improve my self-efficiency with the task.
  • I will ask my mom to send me a list of doctors and therapists in the area that I can go to. Until then, I can talk to a listener online at 7cupsoftea.com. It’s something that I have been wanting to do, but have been nervous about.
  • I can apply to more part-time jobs. I can talk and ask questions at supervision this week and maybe start talking to someone there and get to know them.
  • I can talk to Sarah or Chad and come out of my isolation. I could also try reaching out to Amy and Brittany.

GRE Words of the Day

Guile – sly or cunning intelligence; deceit
Although Walter White did not have physical strength, he used his impressive guile to make his way to the top of the drug trade.

Immutable – unable to be changed
Although they are looked upon with great contempt, many people believe that murderers and other criminals are not totally immutable.

Castigate – to reprimand harshly
After the boy broke his mother’s favorite lamp, she castigated him and sent him to his room for the rest of the day.

Weekly goals:

  • Apply to part-time jobs
  • Catch up on The Walking Dead
  • Catch up on Once Upon A Time
  • Start waking up by 9:00 am
  • Rearrange my rooms
  • Play Outbreak: Undead with Michael
  • Watch Michael play Persona 3
  • Read Homestuck
  • Finish Wayward
  • Get Thanksgiving crafts
  • Talk to Sarah

Day 2

Today, your assignment is to observe your choices. Look at every decision you make, from the food you eat to the time you spend on various tasks, to the people you choose to hang out with. Are you making choices that limit you or choices that nurture you?

I chose to sleep in until almost 2:00pm – Limitation

I chose to talk to Michael – Nurture

Made myself a cup of tea – Makes me happy 🙂 -Nurture

Checked Tumblr, Reddit, Feedly, Weekend reads -Nurture, but can be limiting when I’m not flexible with it

Talked to my dad -Nuture

Played The Sims -Nurture

Made a movie list with Michael -Nurture

I chose to change my relationship status on Facebook -Nurture

I chose to delete/block Peter on Facebook and Skype -Nurture

I chose to write in this journal -Nurture, I suppose, though it’s putting me in a worse mood than I was previously

I chose not to catch up on Once Upon A Time -WTHK?

I chose not to watch The Walking Dead -WTHK?

I really felt apathetic about today’s task. It isn’t making me feel good at all, and I can’t even come up with any real good choices to talk about that will enhance my life, except perhaps choosing to wake up earlier in the morning from now on. Other than that, I feel like today’s journal is pointless and stupid and it’s making me feel anxious rather than optimistic about my future. When you think about it, every choice limits you. And you never really know what its effect is going to be until some time down the road. I just am not feeling good about this assignment.

Before this, I was actually feeling pretty good, though. I am enjoying talking to Michael and doing things together. I really would like to read more of Wayward tonight and take a hot bubble bath (especially after this awful entry).

I suppose both of those choices (reading and the bubble bath) are nurturing – I guess. But who really knows, right?

GRE Words of the Day

Ephemeral – lasting a very short while
When you look at all of history, the Roman Republic was quite ephemeral, despite its success at the time.

Eminent – standing above others in quality or position
The eminent army of Rome was able to conquer many civilizations.

Venality – the condition of being susceptible to bribes or corruptions
Despite claiming to be a republic, the venality of the Roman politicians did not favor the majority of Rome’s citizens.

Day 1

GRE words of the Day

Culpability – a state of guilt
The culpability I have been experiencing from the pain I put Michael through is very strong.

Auspicious – favorable; the opposite of sinister
After the priest came to the house to cleanse it of evil spirits, the family’s living conditions have been auspicious.

Amenable – easily persuaded
After working with many customers who demurred his offers, the care salesman was pleased to have an amenable young man walk in.

Your assignment is to get a notebook. You can go to a bookstore and pick out a fancy journal or find a quirky spiral notebook at your local drug store. It can be silly or pretty or bold or non-descript. The only requirement is that you take it with you wherever you go. Keep that notebook with you for at least a week and write down your dreams whenever they pop into your head. It doesn’t matter if they are impossible. Don’t judge them. Just write them down. Have faith. Take that first step.

My dreams:

  • Get rid of my social anxiety
  • Get into educational psychology/special education program (graduate school)
  • Have a loving, positive relationship with Michael
  • Rent an apartment in NYC
  • Buy a house by a forest
  • Work as a BSC or learning specialist
  • Become a college professor
  • Open up a school
  • Lease a Jeep Wrangler
  • Travel to Europe
  • Go on an African safari
  • Get a puppy or kitty
  • Do wildlife rehabilitation
  • Improve my vocabulary
  • Learn a new language
  • Learn how to play the violin
  • Improve my painting skills
  • Do new things, explore the world

At times during my job I wonder if I’m capable of doing this. I kind of stopped myself from that kind of thinking today by telling myself I have two options: giving up, or improving. I want to choose improving. Today was a bit of a rough day with my client, so I’m feeling slightly defeated, despite doing many things correctly. But, like I told my client’s mother, today was still a success because we discovered some triggers we hadn’t seen before. Just a little side thought: purposely trying to make a little kid upset kind of sucks. That’s about all I have to say today for my journal.

11/12/2014

Currently listening to The Endless River by Pink Floyd

GRE words of the day

Demur – to object or show reluctance
The care salesman was becoming frustrated when the customer demurred his offers on a vehicle.

Recondite – difficult to penetrate; incomprehensible
Although I studied a great deal for my physics class in college, the subject still seems recondite to me.

Impertinent – being disrespectful; improperly bold or forward
The impertinent student argued with her teacher after he gave her detention.
I am experiencing both ups and downs today. I am happy to say that I am attached to Michael – mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am missing him now that we are apart, and I also miss him when we can’t talk for one reason or another. Right now he’s at a friend’s house, and I can’t wait for him to be back. I am glad that I feel this again, but it worries me, because I have thought before that perhaps we spend too much time together.

I have also been feeling a bit anxious today. Possibly about my job, wondering if I am capable of doing this. It is taking a lot of work to be stern and build up my confidence. I really hope I can get the hang of it. I also worry that I’m not doing what I should be doing right now. Should I move back in with Michael? While I like gaining experience, it can sometimes feel pointless if it means not being with him. I am having a hard time finding a balance between too much scheduling, and not enough scheduling, as well. I want to make sure I’m doing the activities I put on my to-do lists, but at the same time, I want to be flexible and not worry if they don’t happen. I can’t tell what makes me happy.

When you journal, you are turning over the earth of your mind and soul and getting it ready for planting ideas. Journaling is a non-judgmental task. Just write down what comes to mind. Let your pen on the paper be an extension of your thoughts. Do not try to think about what you are going to say first and then write it down. This is not meant to be a perfect composition. The action is much more important than the result.

So I guess every day now this is going to be where I work on my daily assignments, but also talk about what’s on my mind.

Today I’m feeling anxious about my new job coming up. And about having to get all the rest of my stuff from New Jersey. Tomorrow I have to go to get a physical/TB test and get my fingerprints taken.

I’ve been playing Borderlands each day as well as working on my GRE words. Borderlands is really fun! Peter is great to play with and I think I’m getting better! He says I “don’t suck”. 😛 I chose to be the Hunter character, which means I basically specialize in sniping.

I am working on my GRE words as well, like I said. Learning vocab is always a challenge for me. I don’t know why I am so great with grammar and writing in general, but have such a poor vocabulary. I’m terrible at knowing what words mean. 😦