Tumblr has been an incredible help for me recently, as silly as it is to say so. It has connected me to someone whom I used to be very close to, and it has kept us involved in each others’ lives and interests. I love having something that allows me to express myself as well as reestablish a connection. Even six months ago I thought my friend would be out of my life, moving on, and that us drifting apart would be permanent. But that didn’t happen. I love having her back. ❤
Today I started up with walking again with my mom and dad. It is nice to have some time with them without any stress and where we can just have a nice time and be out in nature. I really want to try to get back on a healthy schedule and maybe lose some weight along the way. Doing an activity like this really helps lengthen the day; otherwise they often seem to run into each other. That’s something I always had a problem with. Next step is to wake up earlier in the day, which I’m going to attempt to do tomorrow morning.
I broke up with my boyfriend of eight years last month, and I think I’m still trying to get over it. If I had it my way, and if I was giving in to 15-year-old me’s desires, we would still be together. I know 15-year-old me is screaming at me, asking me “what are you doing???” She loved him so much, in every single way. Why I started to fall out of love with him, I’m not completely sure. I can’t pinpoint it. Our days started to get worse and worse together, fighting and putting each other down, and barely even kissing each other anymore. I took abuse for so long, despite us both loving each other. It’s heartbreaking to think about. The worst part is that I know I still love him. Somewhere inside of me is a love for him that is stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I can’t bear to think about him not being a part of my life. But right now, I know he isn’t healthy for me. He’s not being healthy for himself either, or for anyone else around him. I want to be his friend, but even that I can’t do right now because he hates me and said he regrets ever knowing me. I hope that’s a lie or an exaggeration, because so much that I have become is because of him. He will always be with me -because he is a part of me-, and I will never regret my time with him. He is a part of my family forever, whether he realizes it or wants it to be true. But I know I broke his heart, and I know it will take him a long time to realize that our break-up probably should have happened, if at all. I hope he doesn’t give up on love because of me, because that would kill me. He’s such a romantic and idealistic man…I wish he could have shown that to me in more positive ways and had treated me better. And there are ways in which I should have treated him better too, at least near the end. He wanted to work on our problems, and I didn’t. Because I am in love with somebody else. I had been falling in love with somebody else for a long time. Through all of our fighting, all of our passionless nights, fading out of one another’s interests… I was falling in love and not even realizing it. And now that person has so much of me, and I don’t even want to take that away. I want to keep giving myself to him and letting him love me back. I am being loved through actions, not words, this time around. He encourages me and makes me feel like a better person, and things just have started to fall into place for me. Right now is still the early stages of our romantic relationship, but we have a long and strong foundation of friendship that we’re building off of. Being with him is comforting and intoxicating.
Though, part of me does not want to give up on my first love, because that’s what my ex was for me. He opened up the world to me and made me realize what I was missing in my life. I had given my heart to him at such a young age and promised him forever, which I have now broken. It makes me, forces me, to re-evaluate what I believe about love, true love, and soul mates. Because I believe he is a soul mate, someone who I still think (even now) is someone who is meant to be with me in this life. We were best friends, and told each other everything. We had an almost psychic connection between us, where we just knew what the other was feeling and thinking. I don’t expect to ever encounter a connection like that again with anybody. And I’m alright with that. I’m okay with him being that special connection in my life. I don’t want to forget him, or our relationship. I’ve told the man I am now in love with all of this… and he even seems to think that what I feel for my ex is true love -the real thing-. Not romantically, but a type of love that is very difficult to describe in words. A love that not many people get to experience. I will always love him.
I had read online about the ways in which relationships end, and one popular reason is that the couple starts to become familial rather than romantic, particularly if the couple met at a young age. And I’m starting to think that that was the case for us. We grew up together, spend all of high school and college together. My parents were his parents and vice versa. I’m leaving so much behind by leaving him. …But we have no romantic spark anymore. We grew too comfortable, too familiar, too much… doing what we had always known, and what we always expected to do. There was a flow about our relationship that I hadn’t noticed until now. We had hung on to our past selves and past emotions, not letting go. And while it kept us in our relationship for so long (because without it, we would’ve been unhappy enough to leave), it also blinded us. It definitely blinded me. And in ways, our relationship ending really makes me trust love a lot less. Makes me wonder what feelings I can trust and who I can trust. Makes me wonder if I should hold on to these ideals about love. I used to believe “if you think it and believe and say it, it will make it so”… and now, I don’t know what to believe. Now I find that these beliefs aren’t translated well to actions that actually keep love alive. They only keep love alive in memories, but they distort the present.
And now I’ve gone on way too long about my break-up but I think I needed it. Back to things that limit or nurture me…
I moved back home, of course, after leaving my ex. I am staying with my parents until I have a steady and reliable income. I start my (first!!) job on October 13th and I’m pretty nervous about it, but not as nervous as I would have once been. My social anxiety seems to have been decreasing a lot lately, and I don’t know if it’s because of all I’ve been through or what, but I’m feeling a lot more optimistic and confident about what I’m capable of achieving. I will be part of Therapeutic Staff Support, where I will be working with children on the Autism spectrum at school or at their own homes. I hope I can be a good counselor and teacher for these kids and help them behaviorally and intellectually. I’m really excited about this position because it combines therapy and teaching. I eventually want to go back to school for Educational Psychology, so I hope that by doing this I’ll know if that’s the path I truly want to take. There’s so much stuff out there that I love. ❤ It’s hard to know what’s right for me.
But back to my point. I really think that moving back home (despite taking me away from NYC), has helped open up opportunities for me. I’m back with family, back with friends, and I am finally taking initiative to put myself out there and get some valuable experience for myself.
That’s all for now. It’s been an emotional roller coaster lately for me, and I expect to still be on the ride for quite some time. I guess we’ll see where life goes from here. I truly hope I’m opening up opportunities for myself rather than limiting them. I plan on going to a therapist sometime soon to really get a hold of my feelings and desires and whether I am making some of the biggest and worst mistakes of my life. At the moment, the only person I can trust is myself, and I’m working on it. I feel happy and finally enthusiastic for the future… now let’s see if that future’s a good one.